How to recognize a BBC (Badmaksh B Cinema)

Are your trips to the video rental store are filled with anxiety?

Do you have nightmares that the movie that you rented turns out to be a PEFAM instead of a BBC?

Is your sexual performance being affected because you haven't been able to pick out a truly Badmaksh movie in weeks?

If so, you probably feel like Chitrasen (played by the "incomparable" Shakti Kapoor) in O Meri Jaan (aLLias Bombay Girls). Before you look up and shout "GODDDDDD", here is an effective remedy (80% success rate**). We present tell-tale signs that will help you select BBC.

1) The title: V.V. important. We are yet to see a BBC movie that has a legitimate name. Badmaash No. 1, Bullet : Ek Dhamaka, Bombay Girls, Dhamkee: The Extortion .. you get the idea.

2) The DVD Front Cover: This is a ABSOLUTE MUST. The cover of a BBC movie almost always induces stomach cringing laughter. It is also important because it gives an insight into the other tell-tale BBC signs. Words cannot describe adequately the disbelief and joy of being alive that a BBC movie cover induces. Like paintings and other pristine forms of art, everyone's reaction to a BBC cover is different. Here are some examples that can convey more than I could ever say ..


3) The Back: BBC movies almost always have an amazingly funny story-line, but even funnier is the attempt to summarize the story at the back of the cover. It seems that compression of bad-logic does not result in less bad logic - it results in more! Which of course, is amazing for us BBC connoisseurs. If the summary has faulty English, then the accuracy of this tip increases from 70% to 95%. Again, as description of a piece of fine art is inherently subjective and prone to bias, I simply give you samples of descriptions - rather than telling you my impressions.

• Badmaash No. 1: Amrish Puri stars in and as Badmash No. 1. Ranjeet Singh is a devil minded person who simply knows how to take unfair and undue advantage of any given situation and therefore he is notorious.
• Dhamkee: The extortion: The tale highlights the plight of a businessman Jagannath Dholkiya who receives extortion threats from a notorious underworld goon Guru Sawant.Inspector Vijay Saxena foils Sawant's plan to kidnap Dholkiya's daughter Preeti. Sawant kidnap and kills Dholkiya's son. However, legal authorities announces prize money of Rs. 40 millions for Sawant's information and arrest. The goon persist with his evil intentions, separates the lovers and tries to get the Inspector Saxena transfered. Will the lovers unite despite the gangster's evil plots? Will the businessman triumph over the gangster or will he succumb to the extortion threat?
• Bombay Girls: No description whatsoever (which is just as well, because on watching, we realized that it is not possible to categorize a movie so great through mere words)
  

4) Former Mahabharata Actors: If the cover reveals an actor who seems familiar, the first question you should ask yourself is - did this actor act in the television series Mahabharata? If so, then you HAVE to pick up the DVD right away. BBC movies are almost exclusively the domain of actors who graced the B.R. Chopra series. It is a credit to BBC directors that only they appreciate the good looks, supreme thespian skills and dynamic screen personalities of these actors. Of course it is even more of a credit to people like me who appreciate these directors .. but we shall leave that discussion for a later date.

5) Item Song: No BBC movie can exist without an item song. If there is no item song within the first 15 minutes of the movie, STOP and remove the DVD before it causes some harm to the player! What is an item song? Well, the song has to be shot in a wannabe disco, pub etc. - basically a place no self-respecting city-dweller would go even if paid 10000000 dollars to go. There HAVE to be revolving disco lights, hilarious extras. The lead girls usually have horrible faces and unremarkable figures (but that doesn't stop them from wearing skimpy clothes). Sometimes some unsavory characters are included in the mix for fun. Of course, dance moves are totally memorable.

Well, remember to use these tips in conjunction with each other. No single tip can alone guarantee success (except tip no. 4). Good Luck!

** Success rate ascertained by BS Polling Services. Actual success rate may vary from person to person. Baba Bhataknath Naam Hai Mera (BBNHM) enterprises assumes no responsibility for this statistic. Any legal action taken against BBNHM will be subject to filming by Genda Bapa Productions as part of their new movie Adaalat: The Lawsuit.